Holiday

Holiday, a simple yet powerful word which everyone deserves one. A breakaway from all the hustle and bustle particularly in the city, a time-off work, well, basically all the daily routine stuffs. At times, I want to shut down, dump everything behind, pack my backside, grab my car key, drive and go but I just couldn't, simply couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to get away. Easy said than done.

Now, this time is for real! I will be off for a few nights vacation soon. Thanks to all the good friends especially Wez, Amber and others unnamed for their hardwork and effort, which made me feel nothing good as I have zero contribution to it. ZERO, oh yes, completely none. Undoubtedly, I would never neglect or forget my loved one too, 'Thank you honey for all the things that you had done and I apologize for all my bad.' Well, I was just lucky. I have second thought, should I or shouldn't I go for the trip? And I decided to go for it because this trip gives an opportunity for us to have a great time together. I want to let go myself and make this trip a very momentous one and well spent. A sense of love prevailed, cheers!

Let's just forget those unfinished, never-ending work for awhile and freed ourselves. Life may not be a bed of roses all the time, but human spirit has no boundaries. That's life, one has only one life, live and enjoy it to the fullest.

Cape Town, here we come!

Serenity by The Beach

Pulau Manukan -> Pulau Pangkor -> Pulau Perhentian -> Phuket
look the same, ain't it?
Simply Love The Beach

Version of Short Hair

Sabah Trip in Nov 2007

In A Fitting Room in Jan 2008

NEW VERSION OF SHORT HAIR

COMING SOON IN 2011

Expect the Unexpected

A friend once said, ‘如果我要求不那么高，随便一点，会不会好一点呢?

I do not read that much, but I can understand simple words. It says, 'If my expectation is not that high, let it be a little easier, would it be better?' Hm, it paused me. The few seconds of breakdown made me think twice and I had to read it over and over again. Chinched but very true. I often chase for the better, tell me who doesn't? This time round, I want to let go myself, slow down a bit. Too excited or stress does no good to me as I understand that too much or too high expectation will cause a great fall. Opps, I fell ! Ouch...

For something had happened and impact was intensively heart-breaking and aching, I learnt to expect the unexpected, believe the unbelievable and predict the unpredictable. Things are simply beyond our control undeniably and I just have to believe it. I throbbed, sobbed quietly without anyone realizing it. Ask yourself, do you? I changed according to the time, according to the nature wants me to, according what others demand me to and blah blah blah. Behind my brain, near to my ear, I heard ‘JUST CHANGE, YOU FOOL’. Wow, I was amazed as if a mirror reflection of a devil side of myself was telling me off, goodness!

Alright, I will definitely change for the better! Wish me luck!

Asthmatic

Are you aware that I am asthmatic? I bet you don't as I thought the odds of recurring are grim too. I had almost forgotten about it since the last attack more than 20 over years ago when I was still a child. I could bearly remember, neither do my mum. The news of my asthma recurred again October last year resulting an admission for few days in Sunway Medical Centre shocked my whole family. Doctor diagnosed due to extreme exhaustion, lethargic. The experience was greatly outraging plus the smell of the hospital, the nurses who came every hourly, the medicine, the oxygen, oh gosh. But I was lucky enough for not being directed to a psychologist. Not necessary yet. *Wink*

I find myself 'blowing whistle' while sleeping now and then, breathing heavily like having a 10kg stone on my chest especially at night hour. I struggle and constantly need to remind myself to catch each breath slowly and deeply. Second time when I was hospitalized again in July this year, after having a blow over something traumatic and stupid. It jotted me back to the reality, I was disappointed. The truth and the anxiety are beyond my expectation, my control. God knows better. So why sulk over it? The severity is less favoured to me. I couldn't stress myself too much even until today. Each passing moment is so intense because I am so afraid of being attacked again.

Do not worry my friends, I am doing good now and I will be better tomorrow!

Gullible

I find out that writing can be therapeutic, not entirely but partly. I like to write as words are the pen of heart and my mind has to be at a calm state, thinking of the proper words and vocabulary, avoiding from sounding bombastic or pompous. Be it at home, in the office, in the car, in the lift or sometimes even in the cinema. Whenever the inspiration comes, it just comes. Talking about cinema, I don't think I will be going to watch any anytime in near future. Bad experience.

I found out recently that I do not have a good grasp on my emotional upheaval in my life. Was it my mood which seem to swing badly? Pre-menstrual disoder? Work stress? Environmental forces? Hm, a little from all factors or for some other unspoken reasons. Or perhaps it all began from my own thinking or words that I regretted having said it after.

I cried for feeling uneasy to learn that I do not have the strength that I used to. I am so vulnerable, a friend once used gullible to describe me. I was skeptical as I had not heard about it before. Gullible means naive, susceptible and easy to fool. And oh yes, I am really, very easily to fool because I am gullible (ha!). So many thing had happened in such a short period of time. I grew up with the circumstances, I changed and this transformation is not an act of will; the surrounding and the people demand changes, slowly pushing me to move forward. I moved but I kept asking myself, 'where am I suppose to go?' Somehow rather, I am lost and I am still lost.

Honey Bee

I am a honey bee
shunt out from the colony
and they won't let me in
so I left the hive
they took away all my stripes
and broke off both of wings

so I find another tree
and make the wind my friend
I'll just sing with the birds
they'll tell me the secrets of the world

but my other honey bee
stuck where he doesn't want to be
oh, my darling honey bee
I'll come save you even if it means
I'll have to face the queen

so I'll come prepare
my new friends say they would help me
get my loved one back
they say it isn't right
the bees have control of your mind
but I choose not to believe that

so we meet in the darkness of the night
and I promise I will be there on time
we'll be guided by my new friends
the butterflies, bring us back to our own little hive

oh my other honey bee
no longer stuck where he doesn't want to be
oh, my darling honey bee
I have saved you
and now that you're with me
we can make our own honey

Honey Bee ~by Zee Avi

Simply love this song..

Lone

I had been living my life alone since my best friend (my dad) left us 2weeks before I turned 16 and at that time, my relationship with mum wasn't good enough. My mum struggled to finish me off my SPM. Of course, things are getting much better now. Gosh, how time really flies. I used to talk it all out from my heart, everything spontaneously to my dad. Be it home work, organ lesson, boys in the tuition class, badminton class, a new Kiko dress that I wanted to have at Super Kinta (anyone still remember this complex?). I like to disturb him when he was at his desk doing his paper works and that desk is still at home, looking obviously old! Let me tell a secret here, dad was the one who bought me my first very sanitary napkin at the age of .. I'm not gonna tell this though, oh please.

I came across with many cars with number plat of 5266, my dad's car used to be 5266 too. That was the reason why I wanted to write down to remember today. It flashed me with my dad images while driving, those days when he used to hold my hands while crossing the road, sitting next to me practising organ, teaching me how to play badminton patiently. Those were some beautiful moments. Then he seems like talking to me but nothing can be heard. Sad but life goes on, I kept on moving before someone honk me.

His leaving had brought such an enormity of what had happened to me. Lone.