Drive or Driven?

First time in my life, I got myself involved in a car accident. I am physically alright, but mentally shocked and still in trauma. Oh gosh, it was a horrible experience learning the pain to bear afterwards was pretty hard and clearly brought out the rising problem that I will be facing soon. Not only the damages that cost a bomb, it is the trouble that I had created; the travelling from one place to another. I have to rely on people to maneuver me around, have to depend on their schedule, hence my time is a little out of whatever scheduled. Public transport? Thanks, but no thanks. *Wink* I scoffed for I love being driven. Yes and no at the same time; yes, I seriously enjoy being driven and no, for I obviously have to trouble the driver. Women, are the creatures on mother earth that hard to please in many ways.

Well well, anyone can offer me free ride please?

My Family

~ this is only half of us during 2010 CNY ~

~ my family members ~

~ kisses from my cousins ~
~ my aunt ~ my cousin sis & uncle ~

~ with my bf @ Cape Town, South Africa ~

Blank

thank you for dropping by,

I have no inspiration to write,

although time had been passing by,

my mind is still blank and white.

Seek and you shall find.

When A Girl...

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running in her mind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,
she is not fine at all.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are lying.

When a girl lays on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl wants to see you everyday,
she wants to be pampered.

When a girl says "I Love You",
she means it.

When a girl says "I Miss You",
no one in this world can miss you more than that.

We only live once, so make sure you get to live it with the right one. No regrets.
May God bless us all.

Escape to Cape Town, Sept 26th 2010

Welcome to South Africa

@ Aquila Safari

beautiful sceneries & weather at Cape Town

@Cape Point, where the two oceans meet

whale watching, lunch by the seaside, wine tasting

@Hermanus

The Escape to Cape Town, South Africa was simply brilliant.

For the good and sweet memories will never fade,

Cheers to Cape Town!

Appreciate

What happened to those involved in the recent North-South highway or any kind of accident was a painful tragedy. Unimaginable dreadfulness. I always write; one has only one life, live your life to the fullest. Somehow, somewhat and somewhere, please do not forget those loved ones around us. Be it family members, good friends, colleagues etc. Appreciate what we have now for we do not know what will happen in any minutes, any time, anywhere.

New gadget always sparks a person’s life as it comes with new feeling and new adaptation which creates a new environment towards the needs of life. The more or the longer we adapt, the more contagious it becomes in this modern stress-filled environment. I felt nothing but revulsion and shame as selfishness sensed; one moment with old gadget, turning over with new gadget. This new gadget had caused much disgust and dislike, it also brought lots of misunderstandings that resulted a separation between two souls. As there ain’t much that can do, keeping quiet and trying to ignore this new gadget or simply say, let it be; would be the best to do.

Such a humbling gesture, however not appreciated.

So let’s not bothered.

Learn to appreciate instead.

Time is Life

I went to a friend's office for some official issues today. I knew she had been feeling down recently over losing of someone dear. I did not ask any details about it at all and I thought of just dropping by to see if I can be at any kind of assistance, but then she began telling stories from the day her uncle fell ill to his leaving. I shed tears uncontrollably for I had been into the situation before. It was so heart breaking to hear story of losing someone so dear in such a short period of time. For hours of spending time with her, she shared a few incidents of her own friends and she taught me a lot of things about life. She kept saying that we should not argue over small issue, we should appreciate what we have in front of us, appreciate the time spent together, just appreciate as we do not know what will happen in any minutes, anywhere to anyone. Before I left, she said, 'Come on Li Maan, don't argue. Just appreciate'. Simple yet so meaningful words, I shed tears again emotionally. She shared many things without feeling shy, I was touched for having someone whom I just got to know for only months could share so much, and I feel so comfortable like she is a big sister to me. She is such a sweetheart. I sincerely thank her for her words, for having her time spent chatting with me during the working hours, for helping me in my work, I simply thank her for sharing some similarity over life. Thank you, Ms Cheang.

Why don't we make use of the time to appreciate what we have?

Time is Life. It is irreversible and irreplaceable.

To waste your time is to waste your life.

To master your time is to master your life.

One has only one life, live with no regrets.

Move On

Move, in my mini Oxford dictionary, it means: go in a specified direction, change position; prompt to action, provoke emotion in; make progress, take action; etc. I am in the midst of seeking direction, making progress, arising my alertness, changing for the better. I seriously seek for second chance to allow myself to do better and will not make the same mistake again.

Everyone needs two hands to clap. For some reasons and because of my carelessness, my ignorance, my attitude and my mistake, I missed the hand. It should be clapping rhythmically and happily but I made mistake, a huge mistake. Having known and acknowledged it, I became more cautious and concern about the hand. I'd thought, with some patience, I would able to transform myself and everything into a better situation, a better place to be.

How I wish I could turn back time, I wish I could grasp the hand and won't let it go ever. How I wish if the hand knows, the minds read all these here. For now that there is nothing I can do or perhaps I don't know what to do, I still move on.

The Hand

I find out myself unable to understand at a certain point why something that shouldn't happen had happened? It was not the willingness of the heart on purpose, but it did happen. Why? I seek for the answer and it seems extremely upsetting to know the fact. I need two hands to clap, while the other hand is busy, why should I do? I could not believe myself for letting go something that once so precious to me at a very calm state, calm voice, calm manner; the very unusual of me. I usually keep chasing, keep shouting, keep doing better, keep working harder, keep believing, keep on moving. However, at this time round, I want to slow down as I am lack of energy. I do not want to be forceful, or sounded forceful or whatsoever kind of force. I let go heavy-heartedly. Sad, but I did let go. Can we turn back the time? Can we? Can we? Can we? Or you may wonder, can I? Can I? Can I? Everything might have begun or thought by myself only. It was me, who created all these things. Nothing has actually happened, only my imagination, my fantasy. C'mon, in real life, it did happen. So I knew and confirmed that it was not an imagination. I really wanted to turn back time, to erase it all and go back to normal. I really wish to go back to the usual of me. Oh God, I ask for Your mercy, please lead me, please give me strength to overcome this. I am just sad.

Holiday

Holiday, a simple yet powerful word which everyone deserves one. A breakaway from all the hustle and bustle particularly in the city, a time-off work, well, basically all the daily routine stuffs. At times, I want to shut down, dump everything behind, pack my backside, grab my car key, drive and go but I just couldn't, simply couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to get away. Easy said than done.

Now, this time is for real! I will be off for a few nights vacation soon. Thanks to all the good friends especially Wez, Amber and others unnamed for their hardwork and effort, which made me feel nothing good as I have zero contribution to it. ZERO, oh yes, completely none. Undoubtedly, I would never neglect or forget my loved one too, 'Thank you honey for all the things that you had done and I apologize for all my bad.' Well, I was just lucky. I have second thought, should I or shouldn't I go for the trip? And I decided to go for it because this trip gives an opportunity for us to have a great time together. I want to let go myself and make this trip a very momentous one and well spent. A sense of love prevailed, cheers!

Let's just forget those unfinished, never-ending work for awhile and freed ourselves. Life may not be a bed of roses all the time, but human spirit has no boundaries. That's life, one has only one life, live and enjoy it to the fullest.

Cape Town, here we come!

Serenity by The Beach

Pulau Manukan -> Pulau Pangkor -> Pulau Perhentian -> Phuket
look the same, ain't it?
Simply Love The Beach

Version of Short Hair

Sabah Trip in Nov 2007

In A Fitting Room in Jan 2008

NEW VERSION OF SHORT HAIR

COMING SOON IN 2011

Expect the Unexpected

A friend once said, ‘如果我要求不那么高，随便一点，会不会好一点呢?

I do not read that much, but I can understand simple words. It says, 'If my expectation is not that high, let it be a little easier, would it be better?' Hm, it paused me. The few seconds of breakdown made me think twice and I had to read it over and over again. Chinched but very true. I often chase for the better, tell me who doesn't? This time round, I want to let go myself, slow down a bit. Too excited or stress does no good to me as I understand that too much or too high expectation will cause a great fall. Opps, I fell ! Ouch...

For something had happened and impact was intensively heart-breaking and aching, I learnt to expect the unexpected, believe the unbelievable and predict the unpredictable. Things are simply beyond our control undeniably and I just have to believe it. I throbbed, sobbed quietly without anyone realizing it. Ask yourself, do you? I changed according to the time, according to the nature wants me to, according what others demand me to and blah blah blah. Behind my brain, near to my ear, I heard ‘JUST CHANGE, YOU FOOL’. Wow, I was amazed as if a mirror reflection of a devil side of myself was telling me off, goodness!

Alright, I will definitely change for the better! Wish me luck!

Asthmatic

Are you aware that I am asthmatic? I bet you don't as I thought the odds of recurring are grim too. I had almost forgotten about it since the last attack more than 20 over years ago when I was still a child. I could bearly remember, neither do my mum. The news of my asthma recurred again October last year resulting an admission for few days in Sunway Medical Centre shocked my whole family. Doctor diagnosed due to extreme exhaustion, lethargic. The experience was greatly outraging plus the smell of the hospital, the nurses who came every hourly, the medicine, the oxygen, oh gosh. But I was lucky enough for not being directed to a psychologist. Not necessary yet. *Wink*

I find myself 'blowing whistle' while sleeping now and then, breathing heavily like having a 10kg stone on my chest especially at night hour. I struggle and constantly need to remind myself to catch each breath slowly and deeply. Second time when I was hospitalized again in July this year, after having a blow over something traumatic and stupid. It jotted me back to the reality, I was disappointed. The truth and the anxiety are beyond my expectation, my control. God knows better. So why sulk over it? The severity is less favoured to me. I couldn't stress myself too much even until today. Each passing moment is so intense because I am so afraid of being attacked again.

Do not worry my friends, I am doing good now and I will be better tomorrow!

Gullible

I find out that writing can be therapeutic, not entirely but partly. I like to write as words are the pen of heart and my mind has to be at a calm state, thinking of the proper words and vocabulary, avoiding from sounding bombastic or pompous. Be it at home, in the office, in the car, in the lift or sometimes even in the cinema. Whenever the inspiration comes, it just comes. Talking about cinema, I don't think I will be going to watch any anytime in near future. Bad experience.

I found out recently that I do not have a good grasp on my emotional upheaval in my life. Was it my mood which seem to swing badly? Pre-menstrual disoder? Work stress? Environmental forces? Hm, a little from all factors or for some other unspoken reasons. Or perhaps it all began from my own thinking or words that I regretted having said it after.

I cried for feeling uneasy to learn that I do not have the strength that I used to. I am so vulnerable, a friend once used gullible to describe me. I was skeptical as I had not heard about it before. Gullible means naive, susceptible and easy to fool. And oh yes, I am really, very easily to fool because I am gullible (ha!). So many thing had happened in such a short period of time. I grew up with the circumstances, I changed and this transformation is not an act of will; the surrounding and the people demand changes, slowly pushing me to move forward. I moved but I kept asking myself, 'where am I suppose to go?' Somehow rather, I am lost and I am still lost.

Honey Bee

I am a honey bee
shunt out from the colony
and they won't let me in
so I left the hive
they took away all my stripes
and broke off both of wings

so I find another tree
and make the wind my friend
I'll just sing with the birds
they'll tell me the secrets of the world

but my other honey bee
stuck where he doesn't want to be
oh, my darling honey bee
I'll come save you even if it means
I'll have to face the queen

so I'll come prepare
my new friends say they would help me
get my loved one back
they say it isn't right
the bees have control of your mind
but I choose not to believe that

so we meet in the darkness of the night
and I promise I will be there on time
we'll be guided by my new friends
the butterflies, bring us back to our own little hive

oh my other honey bee
no longer stuck where he doesn't want to be
oh, my darling honey bee
I have saved you
and now that you're with me
we can make our own honey

Honey Bee ~by Zee Avi

Simply love this song..

Lone

I had been living my life alone since my best friend (my dad) left us 2weeks before I turned 16 and at that time, my relationship with mum wasn't good enough. My mum struggled to finish me off my SPM. Of course, things are getting much better now. Gosh, how time really flies. I used to talk it all out from my heart, everything spontaneously to my dad. Be it home work, organ lesson, boys in the tuition class, badminton class, a new Kiko dress that I wanted to have at Super Kinta (anyone still remember this complex?). I like to disturb him when he was at his desk doing his paper works and that desk is still at home, looking obviously old! Let me tell a secret here, dad was the one who bought me my first very sanitary napkin at the age of .. I'm not gonna tell this though, oh please.

I came across with many cars with number plat of 5266, my dad's car used to be 5266 too. That was the reason why I wanted to write down to remember today. It flashed me with my dad images while driving, those days when he used to hold my hands while crossing the road, sitting next to me practising organ, teaching me how to play badminton patiently. Those were some beautiful moments. Then he seems like talking to me but nothing can be heard. Sad but life goes on, I kept on moving before someone honk me.

His leaving had brought such an enormity of what had happened to me. Lone.

Hold On

I was believe that God makes everything happen for a reason, a reason for us to find out. Somehow rather, I feel so weak. Why God has to torture me like this? I have been working hard in all senses with the best I could. They just seem like not working properly. I understand, things might not go the way we want it to be. Be it careet, family, relationship etc. I am so dead tired. I couldn't get enough rest for days since I had settled an important event and setup what I wanted to. Subsequently, I had to continuously work non-stop for 20days, 10hours each day. Dead tired is simply the best to describe.

I recently watched a touching clip in Facebook, showing an athlete who tore his hamstring during a race. His father crossed the security and ran together with him on the track and he still wanted to finish the race despite the pain and tears. It was emotional moment that what he needed most was the support from others, especially a loved one like his father who came to hold him up and he was able to finish the race.

What doesn't kill, will make you stronger. What doesn't kill you again, will make you twice stronger. How long do I think I can hold? After a period of holding it firmly on my own and at a certain time, I fell. How long do I need to get up? I have no idea. I also need someone to hold me up. I pray for God's mercy and hope that I will be able to hold on tight like I used to be.

Food Lover

One has only one life;

Enjoy every moment;

Live life to the fullest..

In Search of The Reason

I slept from exhaustion, yet still feel exhausted. No word can explain best. Life, oh life, is such a party, a grand festival, a rollercoaster to me because life is the moment I am living right now. How grand life could be for me? I don’t live in either my past or my future as I am interested in the present. I have no choice but to move on. I was able understand one thing; making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, she is diving into a strong current that will carry her to places she had never dreamed of when she first made the decision. Clinched but true.

I always try to concentrate on more practical matters and to be a happy person. The closer I got into the realization of my dream, the more difficult things became. In my pursuit of the dream, I was being constantly subjected to tests of my persistence and courage. So I could not be hasty nor impatient, but the determination was pushing myself impulsively. I failed in many ways, hence I need to write, to share, to talk as to avoid thinking about possibility of refusal or any negativity.

The whole experience had taught me to understand the words of God; people need not to fear the unknown, or what could turn out to be if they are capable people of achieving what they need and what. Simple yet easy to understand, but coming to the real material life, we are often afraid of losing what we have, whether it is our life or our possession. However, this fear evaporates when I understand that our life stories and history were written by the same hand.

One thing is certain, life has never been easy. Some things matter me, some don’t. What doesn’t wipe me out makes me stronger as I believe that things happen for a reason.

A reason for me to find out.